i am who i am not

2001-03-11

i haven't been too honest to myself. maybe because i was scared to realize that i am not always as good enough when it comes to being just me.

too many standards have led me into thinking that i should keep myself according to what others may regard as proper. most often than not, i find myself easing my way up to people's expectations, desperately aligning myself into an ideal picture that has been laid to me by the stereotypical world that i am into.

i walk pass the streets and colleagues look at me with equal appreciation, thinking that i am too lucky to live an almost perfect life. i smile back, greet them with courtesy. I thought i could live with that, recognitions and compliments.

I became too busy keeping myself too straight, too organized, and then finally realizing that these are all just plain bullshit.

and im too tired to care.

and that it's too late.

and that im trapped.

and that the only chance i have is this journal where i can mess up with everything the way i want it. Where i can rant at anyone, break the rules, and curse those who have N'Sync tones on their mobile phone.

because outside this virtual world is a reality where no one can ever be exactly who he is.